My liver just broke up with me...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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