Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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