the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
