God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
