I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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