no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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