Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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