Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
