We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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