Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize