I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
operation harelip BJ is a go
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
