took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
