this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
