a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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