How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
