You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
