Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
