I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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