The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
