yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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