Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
