I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
