I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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