Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
