i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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