I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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