I accidentally burped into my bong.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
