She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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