That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
