I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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