the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
