that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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