Non-Jews are for practice
In America we eat man semen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
