Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize