And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
