What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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