Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
