My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
