I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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