They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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