We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
