The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
