Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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