proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
