hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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