I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
