apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
