Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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