I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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