My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
