I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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