I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize