Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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