what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
