apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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