Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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