cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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