I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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