i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
