this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize