Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
