my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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