I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
