Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Randomize
