So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
