onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
